I was living and working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. After my perception of reality changed in 2005, I quit my job, sold my place and drove to Eastern Canada.
I needed a place to go and I thought Montreal would be a good option. I'm part French, my grandfather (on my mother's side) was French Canadian. I was in Montreal for about 2 weeks and then decided to go to Ontario, Canada.
I couldn't think. My mind was a mess. I was struggling to cope, finding it very difficult to come to terms with what I was perceiving - that my thoughts manifest in reality, that I was so selfish especially when I was surrounded by love. (Eventually, I came to perceive that I was always in bestowal, that nothing bad has ever happened to me, to others or to all of Nature, we're surrounded by love, we just have to realize it. However, it took me some time to get there).
I settled in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada and did anything and everything to keep myself busy and distracted. I made a list of all the things I ever wanted to do and I set out to do them. I figured, if I was going to keep myself busy and distracted, it might as well be with things I actually want to do.
I filled my weekdays, evenings and weekends so I wouldn't have to think. I'd get up, look at my schedule and just go. I needed a reason to get out of bed and I set myself up to be on automatic pilot - 'fine' on the outside, overwhelmed and numb on the inside.
I was in Mississauga for about three and a half years. Here's a list of some of the things I did (not all at the same time but over the years I was there), which will give you an idea of how desperate I was to keep busy and distracted (they're not listed chronologically or in any order):
- I was working - part time at first, then full time. I was able to pay off the rest of my $50,000 in student loans.
- I took sailing lessons.
- I look horseback riding lessons.
- I tried to take guitar lessons and even bought a classical guitar, but that didn't last long - too technical for an overwhelmed mind.
- I golfed, I went to the driving range (I'm not very good).
- I took fencing lessons.
- I took air pistol shooting lessons (10m). Did you know it's an Olympic sport? [1] Who knew!
- I joined Toastmasters [2] to improve my public speaking.
- I traveled: 3 times to Israel, several times to the USA and long drives within Canada to explore new places.
- I started studying Kabbalah - once a week at first, then twice a week, then almost daily.
- I read a lot of books, many came recommended.
- I used to take long walks through the parks, watch the birds (swans, geese, ducks and other birds), see the squirrels, chipmunks etc. It was good to be with Nature. Calming.
- I saw the local sights - went to the zoo, the safari park, Niagara falls, CN Tower etc.
- I went to a few events - a basketball game, I saw Bill Clinton speak etc.
- I used to go rollerblading, then I fell and hurt my back, so I started seeing physiotherapists.
- I used to go to the gym.
- I tried to take up running, but I've never been a runner. I did one 5 km run and that was enough. Not all people from Kenya are runners ;)
- I learned how to ride a motorcycle, got my license and bought a motorbike.
- In 2007, I bought a townhouse. I was inspired by Field of Dreams, [3] "if you build it, he will come". I figured, if I had a house, God would come and live with me. I basically bought it for God to come and live with me. He did. In 2008, I sensed an intense pleasure unlike anything I had sensed before, rapture.
- I used to go to the movies.
- I took meditation lessons at a Buddhist temple. They also served free food.
- I'd eat out occasionally, challenge myself to find new restaurants with cheap, good food. I found a few gems.
- I'd play online chess for hours at a time.
- I'd occasionally meet up with friends for lunch, dinner or other outings.
- As a volunteer, I built houses with Habitat For Humanity. [4]
- And I kept busy with daily life - grocery shopping, cooking meals, household chores etc.
(I didn't turn to drink or drugs to help me cope with what I was going through, the occasional drink or glass of wine with dinner, but that's it.)
I met so many wonderful people, and they helped me even without knowing it. What I couldn't come to terms with on my own, others helped, by keeping me occupied and distracted, which calmed me down. And time is a greater healer.
One time (when I was first in Mississauga), I was at an internet cafe. It was late at night, maybe 9pm? There was me, two guys and the owner. A guy comes in and tries to rob the place. He had a knife, gun, or something concealed in his jacket that he held pointed against the owner asking him to open the cash register. I was so scared, I could barely talk when I called 911, one of the guys helped with the 911 call. The robber ran off, the police arrived and we gave a statement. We were all fine, but shaken. That was an isolated incident, but memorable all the same.
While all this was going on, I was also physically sick. I had a sore back from my rollerblading fall. I used to get nasty colds regularly, almost monthly, once so bad I lost my sense of smell and taste for months, and at one point I needed antibiotics for a sinus infection. I also used to get sore throats, one time I lost my voice and needed antibiotics for that infection. I also had a root canal and needed antibiotics for that too. I also developed migraines, had my first panic attack, had a heightened startle response (likely connected to PTSD) and developed a new allergy to eggs, which gave me hives all over my body. I was a regular at the local walk-in-clinics.
By August/September of 2009, my health had deteriorated to a point where I could no longer take care of myself. I quit my job, sold my place and my motorbike, and my oldest brother flew out to Mississauga. We drove across the continent from East to West, back to my mother's house on the West Coast. Then my health took a turn for the worst and I deteriorated even further.
It was a busy three and a half years in Mississauga and the distractions helped me cope. I learned a lot, I broadened by horizons and I experienced new things.
Now I'm in a different state. I've simplified my life and am focusing on my basic needs (food, water, clothing, shelter etc.) I no longer need to be distracted in the same way as I did before, I've become 'acclimatized' to my change in perception of reality.
However, I do use distraction to manage pain [5], fatigue and when I'm overwhelmed - I watch videos, TV and movies online. I basically try and take my mind off my body. Sleep also helps a lot.
I'm in a different phase of my journey, a phase of resting, reading, writing and reflecting. Many new and exciting things lie ahead and the future is bright.
Do not be afraid. God is with us.
__________
References:
- 10 metre air pistol. www.en.wikipedia.org. Retrieved Oct 28, 2014.
- Toastmasters International. www.toastmasters.org. Retrieved Oct 28, 2014.
- Field of Dreams. www.en.wikipedia.org. Retrieved Oct 28, 2014.
- Habitat For Humanity. www.habitat.ca. Retrieved Oct 28, 2014.
- Brownstein, Joseph (February 8, 2012). Distraction Reduces Pain, Study Finds. www.livescience.com. Retrieved Oct 28, 2014.
