In 2005, realizing my thoughts manifest in reality, and that I was responsible for 911 and the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, I felt that I didn't deserve to live and I had a conversation with the angel of death.
For quite some time I had suspected that my thoughts manifest in reality, but I wasn't really sure. More and more I began to notice that I'd have thoughts (both positive and negative ones), then sometime later (minutes, days, weeks, months or years), they'd manifest in reality. But how?
I analyzed the situation and came up with several possibilities:
- An Overactive Imagination:
- Perhaps I had an overactive imagination and was making the whole thing up. Unlikely, because something was going on, I just couldn't put my finger on it.
- Coincidence:
- Perhaps it was a coincidence that I'd have these thoughts, then sometime later they'd manifest in reality. Perhaps.
- I Predicted Them:
- Perhaps I had some predictive power, the ability to predict things before they happen. Perhaps.
- I Created Them:
- Perhaps I had some creative power, the ability to create things. I dismissed this one because ... how could I be so arrogant as to think that I could create such things.
- Other:
- There may be other reasons.
It's one thing to have things play out in your mind, especially if you think there are no real consequences, it's another thing to have those things play out in real life, especially if the consequences are severe, negative and destructive.
Then, things got serious:
Then, things got serious:
- September 11, 2001:
- On September 11, 2001, attacks in the United States of America brought down The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center [1], and it was my fault because the thoughts had come to me before the events happened.
- I was so distraught over the situation that I wanted to turn myself in ... but to whom? What would I say? Then al-Qaeda took responsibility and people connected with the attacks started to get captured. And I wondered, "Who would believe me now?"
- I had just started business school, which kept me busy and distracted over the next two years. And somewhere in the back of my head, I still doubted ... was it really me?
- 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami:
- On December 26, 2004, an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused a tsunami that killed 230,000 people in 14 countries [2], and it was my fault because the thoughts had come to me before the events happened.
- I was so distraught over the situation that I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself, I wasn't suicidal, but I felt that I didn't deserve to live. I remember inviting the angel of death to my door, saying, "I'm not going to kill myself, but you can kill me, anytime, anywhere. My life is yours for the taking. You are welcome to my door anytime." I basically gave my life over to the angel of death.
I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of my thoughts. I wanted to run and hide, I wanted to get away from myself. I didn't want anyone to be near me, I was afraid I would hurt them. I was drowning in fear, stress, paranoia, anxiety, sadness and depression. Alcohol! But alcohol only made things worse because it made me behave strangely, gave me hangovers, left me dehydrated, left me even more miserable than before, and didn't solve any problems. I quickly gave that up. I cried a lot.
I felt like a monster. I couldn't talk to anybody about what I was going though, I didn't have the words. Whenever people complimented me, I'd graciously accept, but feel like a fraud, if only they knew the real me.
While all this was going on, I had other stresses in my life (at work, in my personal life etc.), and my misery mounted to a breaking point. I cried out to The Creator to help me, demanding, "You promised me that you'd send angels to help me. Where are they?"
In July 2005, I went through a change in the perception of my reality. (That was 10 years ago and it's no coincidence that 10 years later, I'm writing about this.)
(By December 2005, I had quit my job, sold my place and moved to Eastern Canada. This separate post details what I did after my perception of reality changed.)
(By December 2005, I had quit my job, sold my place and moved to Eastern Canada. This separate post details what I did after my perception of reality changed.)
I didn't die physically, but my ego died. The angel of death is a force that kills indiscriminately, it simply kills. It either kills the quality of bestowal (rendering us in selfishness), or it kills the quality of selfishness (rendering us in bestowal). It is said that the angel of death will become a holy angel because when he kills the quality of selfishness, we'll all be in bestowal.
The purpose of this post is to share information. If you're going through something similar, I hope it helps.
Years have passed, I've had time to grow in the quality of bestowal and I've learned a lot through my studies in Kabbalah.
I don't have all the answers, I'm still a child with a lot to learn. The one thing I've come to perceive is that we're surrounded by love, we just have to realize it.
Those who died, died benevolently that I might live, to teach you, that you might live. This is an example of how we're all interconnected and interdependent, and shows how even in death there is love. What at first appears to be negative and destructive, turns out to be positive and constructive.
That doesn't mean that we can do whatever we want, not at all. In everything we do, we should seek to benefit others instead of ourselves.
Do not be afraid. God is with us.
__________
References:
- September 11 attacks. www.en.wikipedia.org. Retrieved Mar 30, 2015.
- 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami. www.en.wikipedia.org. Retrieved Mar 30, 2015.
- Bnei Baruch Kabbalah Education & Research Institute. www.kabbalah.info. Retrieved Mar 30, 2015.
Copyright © 2015, Carter Kagume. All Rights Reserved.
